10 things of the week

I worry that...

10 ...I won't ever be able to control my diet or get into a healthy work out routine. 

9 ...I'll never be comfortable with my body...

8 ...I'm not doing the right thing...

7 ....I'm not a good friend.

6 ...maybe I'm not a good person. 

5 ...I drink too much...

4 ...I'll lose everyone I care about.

3 ...I'm wasting time in regret. 

2 ....maybe I'm never good enough.

1 ...I'll never find love again. 

List is self explanatory this week. I am having a bit of a quarter life crisis. I am back in LA, rehired full time at DC, yet most of my things are still in the apartment back East. What am I doing? I don't know. But I'm going to take the summer to figure it out. Life is really weird and confusing right now. I really love and miss NYC but I really don't think it's a good time for me to be there. And as far as being in a relationship, that is on hold for now too. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I am very unhappy, very conflicted... I need some time to figure me out again. Mind and body... I am in a really bad place. I just want to get into a stable and healthy place with work and myself and cuddle with my dog. Of course I miss Eric and crave his love, but I don't know if I am being fair. So we're going to do the cliche thing and revisit us in a couple months. It's scary but it's what needs to happen. 

This is my 100th blog post. Thanks for reading. I will try to be more present, and you bet your ass I'm going to just be brutally honest from here on out. And a little more fun too, I promise. 

I just want to ask one thing, how do I get motivated to eat right and work out every day? I am getting there but it's hard to get up in the morning. Seriously. Help.

What do I do?

Is this something I can ignore? Where do I go from here?

I am watching 90210 on Soapnet... and I heard one of those "You may be entitled to a settlement!" commercials and THIS TIME, they are talking about the BC pill I've been taking for YEARS. Now I feel like a moron for having a total panic attack about this, but this is my health... can I really take that lightly?

link one

link two

link three

I'm really nervous :( I'm going to leave a message for my doctor first thing in the morning but I'm sure I won't hear back til Monday at the earliest... What do I do?! Is there another pill I should take? Am I just overreacting?

If you read this... TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

the Special K challenge!

So, I am not happy with my weight. AT ALL! I've been a comfy, lazy bum. I eat what I want, (drink!!), I lay around and somehow only manage to really hit the gym once or twice a month. yes, A MONTH! Usually I'll get Pedro out for a long run about once a week.

This has all got to change. I said to myself when everything started with Eric's restriction, that I'd start going every day... but it hasn't happened! UGH! But now that I've started going to Al-anon and trying to be sound of mind AND body... I gotta start doing something about this. I hit the gym on tuesday, got up early and took Pedro for a run on wednesday... I think my problem is I stay up SOO late (which I know is not healthy) but I just love being a night owl and just staying up doing absolutely nothing. Seriously, I look at the clock and it's 2AM and I have no idea what I just did for the last few hours. It's infuriating!

So to help me slim down and knock me out of this rut... I am trying... THE SPECIAL K CHALLENGE! :) What it is is just eating and drinking a mix of their products, which I actually REALLY REALLY enjoy.

Here are a few of my favorites.

Vanilla Almond Crunch cereal, yummm



Blueberry and Chocolate 90 calorie bars!


Iced Tea protein water packets, they help curb your hunger ;)


I have always been a big fan of the cereal, and just this week tried the bars and the water. So, the deal is, you eat a bowl of cereal in the morning, a bar for lunch and a regular meal for your dinner. I did this the last few days and it wasn't even hard! And I looove to eat. I love fried food, chicken wings, burgers, cheese, chocolate, ice cream, you name it, I love it! But ALSO, I do like healthy foods. Salmon, grilled chicken, tuna, veggies, salads. I'm not that picky, I get down with it all. Another upside of this is my work is only 2 blocks off of a Bristol Farms which has a salad bar and ooodles and ooodles of yummy, healthy food options. And I just realized, a small salad will only cost me $4!

I need to get into the gym 4-5 times a week. This includes running, hiking, cardio, lifting, yoga, pilates, arms, legs... etc! Last year I had a goal of getting Evangeline Lilly toned arms and I was really good there for a while. I just think having a boyfriend and working so far from where I live has sucked all the energy out of me and given me a good excuse to be lazy.

HELP! What are your health tips?? :)

family

I have a great family. A great big family. They are the big part of what makes it hard when I think of picking up and moving away from here. (again...) But distance only makes the heart grow fonder, right?

My grandma is a cutie pie. I adore her. She is so sweet and innocent. My mom always says she is like a little girl, because she is easily excitable and she talks too much. (which I don't really mind...) But I just love her so much, I love being around her and listening to her tell stories and saying "Hi" to her over and over (which is something annoying Eric and I also do).

Well, my precious grandma is spending the night at the hospital tonight :( I am hoping/praying it is nothing serious. I went to see her at the ER and she was just herself... chatting up a storm and joking as usual. They made her drink this huge jug of water and she joked with the nurse (which was lost in translation but my mom and I still grinned.) For example, she had 4 hours to drink this huge jug and she asked if she could drink 4 cups instead. And then she asked me and my mom to help her finish it... I would do any of those things to help her if it would make her feel better. I really wish I'd stayed with her tonight. I just know going to work early and hopefully leaving early was a wiser choice. I can't say better, because what is better than being there for my loving beautiful lady? I hope she knows she is all I am thinking about.

These are the moments I need my man the most. I just want to lay here and be comforted and loved and held... it hurt so terribly to see my gma in pain when we left. I am praying that tonight is not too awful for her. I am going to try to sleep so I can head in early, finish my work and hopefully head back to her as soon as I can. No pictures, maybe I'll edit and share one later but I don't want to start crying again. Send your positivity and loving thoughts to my lady, plz.