Busy busy...

What's up?? Just popping in to say hi. Much to say, lots going on but trying to stay busy and doing lots of work. Most of the last few weeks has been spent going to boot camp, eating well and being well. Lots of times with the girls, many many shows, good things. I tried the Michael Jackson wii game and holy cow it's a fun little work out. Had a really fun Super Bowl Sunday, all my girls showed up for the KROQ party. Hung out with my sis and saw her boys the Dirty Heads. I picked the winning team!

the gals playing MJ --- me & my sis outside the Key Club with some of the guys

Sunday morn hike with mom :)

wanna know the best way to get in shape? Go on vacay with a bunch of friends. Everytime I call one of my gals, 

they're at the gym. Pretty easy to stay motivated when it's really a group effort! LOVE IT! We set sail March 3 :)

Time to kick butt

I'm back.  I was thinking of folding up the blog because of some bullying and such I was getting, but after some time off and consideration I don't really care. I say what I feel and I don't need to hide who I am.

ON THAT NOTE!

Tomorrow, it's time to get down to business. 

These last six month have been pretty intense. Good, bad, sad, emotional... I've never really felt all of these emotions or learned so much about myself, my life and the people around me. I've had a lot of moments of happiness in the saddest part of my life. I don't know how much faith I have but I do believe that things happen for a reason and even the hardest things are things we should value, appreciate and grow from.

Now, it's time to really make changes. I need to get back in my happy place, mind AND body... I totally read (listened) to Eat Pray Love and got the new Kings of Leon CD in the same day. The end of Eat Pray Love made me so happy I wanted to call everyone I've ever met and tell them I love them. The KoL CD makes me yearn for and desire every ex-love I've ever had. I wept listening to "The Face" WEPT! I called my ex to tell him that I think he's amazing and special and beautiful and I still want really good things for him, always. I don't want to say more than that because I am in a good place with that. I respect and love the time we spent together. I can't think about the what if's anymore. I'm happy now, today, in my heart. I even had the healed heart to form a crush. I totally blew it and disappointed myself but it knocked me on my ass but also showed me that there is potential out there. I will find someone to laugh, dance and adventure with. And until then, I have some amazing people to be with and dance with and cuddle with and adventure with. 

So, back to TOMORROW! I bought myself a month unlimited Boot Camp!! I'm really scared. I'm not at all good at getting up early. I'm really bad at going to bed (it's already past midnight...ugh) BUT! I really want to do this but mostly I think I really need to do this.

snaps of the last time I was comfortable in my skin...

 fun/ideal body type goals...

gaga's sexuality, kate's arms, beyonce's legs...

So tomorrow the journey begins to be comfortable and happy in my skin. I know what parts of me I love yet it baffles me when I feel at my worst and I STILL get hit on. It does happen. So now I am going after the body that I've missed. I want to feel healthy and sexy and most importantly comfortable in my skin. 

 

^I am excited to eat A LOT OF THIS. Salmon, cherry tom's &

trader joe's spinach, raspberry&walnut salad. I do love to eat but

I am more &more aware of the things I should eat. Funny it took 

me a quarter of a century to fall for tomatoes &tom juice. Blame

my love of bloody mary's ;)I will report back tomorrow&OFTEN!

Wish me luck.xo

I heart NY.

New York City is such a huge part of me. I jumped at the chance to live in the vicinity... and I will never regret it. It's a beautiful place. Larger than life. I don't know what I really want to say other than my heart is there. Especially today. I just want to send my love east... I hold the city and the people and the strength in my heart forever. I'm glad NYC is a part of me. 


"We've had enough of these politician's wars.... all we need right now is love."


 

Short week bliss

Things are so good it's scary. Making lots of new friends and reconnecting with people I've known in passing as well. Had coffee, phone dates, etc... really great conversation and I just feel rejuvenated. I'm going to start journaling on paper because I think that's going to help too, but I am not going to neglect this little baby. Sharing experiences is part of learning and growing. Life is about to get super exciting and busy. Busy busy busy! Summer is "over" but there's so much more to keep me occupied. Maybe I'll do a 10 Fall Things, we'll see. I don't know if anyone enjoys those :) 


I'm really excited the work week is already half over. For now, I'm obsessed. I realized today the new Kings of Leon single is on the radio and I caught it this morning and turned it up SUPER LOUD! Really kicked the day off the right way. Now I've probably listened to it 30 some times, haha. Here it is. Enjoy!!!





...and may I extend a bit of advice? Try to let go of the small stuff, or things you can't control. Try to change your state of mind and good things will come to you. I promise. xo

apartment lust

These are the things I dream of...

+ closets with towel rolls....

+ my pup in front of a fireplace...

+ unique photo walls...

(How fun would it be to have my own bust to lay out clothes and jewelry on?)

1. amazon

2. subastral inc

3. amazon

I'm waiting on my gf to secure a job so we can move into a lust worthy apartment... I'm participating in adventures in craigslist playing subletter. It is fun... I do love my current spot but I'm going to have to find a new one soon. So, stress is setting in and I'm dreaming of a permanent home with someone I can come home to, relax with and gossip over a glass of wine with. That's all that is going on for now. Summer has been great, keeping me busy. Work is good, keeping me even more busy and excited. I am feeling more and more settled and secure with the knowledge that I have a career and a passion, not just a day job. It's really rewarding doing something I love. Life is a little chaotic but I am having fun and reconnecting with old friends and family. I am truly blessed.

Where does it go?

I'm just going to lay it all out there.


I've been having a really hard time lately. But work has honestly been so solidly busy since I've been back in Los Angeles that I haven't had time to slow down and be alone and think about everything. It doesn't mean I don't think about what's going on...it's just easy to occupy my time. 


A couple weeks ago, my best friend asked me if I missed being in love with one of my ex's after she was having a hard time getting through a breakup.  It made me laugh for a minute because we are friends now and have been for a while. But I do remember how long it took for us to truly break up and move past it... well over a year. 


Present day... it's hard to go day to day. After living with someone mostly everything will remind you of them. It should be easier for me because I left and I'm somewhere that doesn't necessarily just carry memories of him. Yet TV shows, songs, dishes... a lot of things. Life is a little lonely when it's not shared. I've been looking and thinking back to where we started and struggling constantly with "where did those feelings go?" I honestly don't know. 


Tonight I watched The Bachelor wrap up where Jake and Vienna were reunited post break up. I didn't get to watch it when it aired Monday but I saw everyone's status updates about it. I thought it would be harmless entertainment... but it just rang too close to home. There is nothing entertaining about watching two people who supposedly cared about each other just tear each other apart. It really hurt to watch. 


I think it's ironic that any significant time in your life you'll be able to relate it to a single song. For some reason, Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" is getting serious airplay again. I hear it every time I'm in the car. I don't know how I never really listened to it before but every lyric is appropriate in my life right now. 


Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I miss you.

The fun in being Bicoastal is the option to go back and forth.. always having the best of both words, never having to miss anything or anyone. 

I moved to Colorado when I was 22 for a little under a year. I loved Colorado so fiercely. I made a lot of friends fast... adopted them from a good friend. I got a little internship that was really fun and met another fun crazy group of music lovers. One soul mate sister who I haven't seen now in over a year... it's hard when you leave a place because you can't go back. It will never stay how you left it.

I took this picture the moment I decided to move to Colorado... I had no other choice :)

The funny thing about life is that you are only one person in the big crazy game of life on this huge planet... you're moving and thinking and living and millions and billions of people are doing the same thing at the same time. You meet people and take parts of them with you forever. Yet you will never ever have the same exact experience again. You will have beautiful moments but they go by so fast. You'll never get the moments back. You will never get to stand still with every single person ever again. 

It's beautiful to live and move and travel and meet people... but the sadness in it is that then you have to miss them. The thought of it takes me breath away.

Right now I feel my heart crushing me. I'm "home" but there is no such thing for me. I love being here in California, sitting on a bed I've slept in hundreds of nights... with my dog at my feet. Yet I miss my sister, 20 miles away. I miss my girlfriends because it's to late to wake them with silly thoughts or ask them to hold me while I sleep. I miss the lover who is no longer mine. Who still sleeps in my bed in my room with all of my things 3,000 miles away from here. 

I miss you.

I'm having a hard time right now dealing with distance and the things that I have decided to do. I love that I've lived... but it's really hard to have to miss people. I guess it's good to have people that you love so much that hold a part of you. Appreciate every moment and hold on to it.

10 things of the week

I worry that...

10 ...I won't ever be able to control my diet or get into a healthy work out routine. 

9 ...I'll never be comfortable with my body...

8 ...I'm not doing the right thing...

7 ....I'm not a good friend.

6 ...maybe I'm not a good person. 

5 ...I drink too much...

4 ...I'll lose everyone I care about.

3 ...I'm wasting time in regret. 

2 ....maybe I'm never good enough.

1 ...I'll never find love again. 

List is self explanatory this week. I am having a bit of a quarter life crisis. I am back in LA, rehired full time at DC, yet most of my things are still in the apartment back East. What am I doing? I don't know. But I'm going to take the summer to figure it out. Life is really weird and confusing right now. I really love and miss NYC but I really don't think it's a good time for me to be there. And as far as being in a relationship, that is on hold for now too. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I am very unhappy, very conflicted... I need some time to figure me out again. Mind and body... I am in a really bad place. I just want to get into a stable and healthy place with work and myself and cuddle with my dog. Of course I miss Eric and crave his love, but I don't know if I am being fair. So we're going to do the cliche thing and revisit us in a couple months. It's scary but it's what needs to happen. 

This is my 100th blog post. Thanks for reading. I will try to be more present, and you bet your ass I'm going to just be brutally honest from here on out. And a little more fun too, I promise. 

I just want to ask one thing, how do I get motivated to eat right and work out every day? I am getting there but it's hard to get up in the morning. Seriously. Help.

Summer break...

I'm going to take a break from blogging for a while. I don't know how long. I might pop in and out, but we'll see what I have time for. I don't want to say too much but let's just say... I'm going to be settled in on just one coast from now on. I have a lot to do in the next week. I'm a little freaked out, stressed out... I don't know if I'm making the right decision but I think this is what needs to happen. 

Things I Learned at 3/11 Day

3/11 Day falls every year on March 11 but it's officially celebrated bi-annually by the band (three-eleven)  and their thousands of fans with three days of festivities and a 5 hour concert. It's usually in New Orleans, but it's been derailed twice. Once, by Katrina and this year, by a doctors convention that booked ALL of New Orlean's hotels. It took a month to process and share with you all of the things I learned this year. Enjoy. 

1. As much as I love my boyfriend... it's always more fun to stay with my girls. For the first two I attended, we implemented a "no boys" rule where we kept our room girls only and all stayed in the room all 3 nights. Those trips and memories are priceless. The last trip got messy, and this one we were spread out and the girl time seriously lacked. No impromptu shopping trips, sharing clothes, doing each others hair and make up, going to random dance clubs, closing out the bars, and then laying in bed watching "COPS: Bad Girls."

I missed my ladies. I guess a good compromise that I tried to set up is to stay closeby everyone. It's a bummer to be so secluded at different hotels. Next time, adjoining rooms!

2. Gotta learn to take it easy... as excited as we all are to see each other, there is no reason to buy shot after shot after shot! And if we're going to do that... do not wear heels. Note to one of my buddies... slow down before the show! It IS called 3/11 day. You don't want to get sick or sleep through it. The point of partying is not to miss out on all of the fun.

There's always next...next year. 

3. Maximize your time... don't sleep in all day, don't waste time waiting around for people, take initiative, eat early and make the most of your time. Charge your phone and your camera and be ready for the day and the adventures that will unfold.

And don't dwell when things doesn't work out. Overreacting doesn't help ;)

4. Make sure your electronics are on your side... you're going to want to see so many people and there are going to be lots of people who want to see you... but that doesn't mean anything if your phone dies at 9pm and the night's barely started. It was kind of a bummer after the fact to see pictures of things people did and wonder, wtf, where was I? Also a bummer was getting home and realizing your camera was on a ridiculous setting that made all your pictures basically unusable. 

It's a vacation you've been waiting 2 years for... it can be a bummer to not see people and not get the high-quality pictures you wanted. Be prepared, then make the most of it!

5. Truly make the most of every moment. It's a gift to be surrounded by good friends. Not to be too sentimental, but this group and these friendships are a gift. I got goosebumps several times. This bond is so deep... some people are so treasured they will be carried forever. Shannon and I saw Mark Holt shirts during the show and had a moment where we had to choke back tears. His presence was felt as well as Mike Hardman's. Running and Beyond the Grey Sky  were emotional tributes.

It's beautiful to know that through this love, they will be carried in peoples hearts forever.

6. Let go... no reason to hold on to a grudge or bring old feuds with you. I really should have let some things go to make the most of my trip. I have to admit, I did avoid bars and situations because people I had no desire to be around would be in the vicinity. I definitely missed out. And I know that others did the same thing. Kind of a bummer because that's not the place for it.

Next time, bury the hattchet and just grin and bear it. No need to be friends with everyone, but not worth it to keep enemies. Leave the attitude at home!

7. Plan better! Save more! Do more! Shoulda, woulda, coulda... my hotel was awesome but it could have fit 10 more. We definitely did not budget for the trip. I missed out on buy ANY merch! I'm glad I've been to Vegas countless times but I didn't walk the strip or go to any of my usual favorite spots and I missed out on many a photo op. 

Next time, the shoe box piggy bank is making a return... as well as a to-do list. 

All in all, I don't want it to sound like I had an awful trip. I just mismanaged a lot... waited around, excluded myself and planned poorly. But I did get to see (mostly) everyone I wanted to, spent at least an hour or so, shared a drink or two, snapped a pic, dropped a knee... you name it. 

The show itself was unforgettable. No matter what, the entire group was together, the love was felt, the place was rocked... It made everything else worthwhile. I really truly love being a fan of this band and grateful for everyone that has come into my life because of this journey. I appreciate those relationships, above anything else.

Much love to my friends :) 

I've got a clique that's more like a family... 

Memphis 2006

New Orleans 2008

Vegas 2010

(sorry if the formatting is all messed up, I switched over to the new blogger format and it won't work with me, AT ALL! HELP)

Tonight...

...I met my hero, Kelly Cutrone! She was so nice. Which was a total shocker, right? haha. It was a instore signing for her book and she took the time to write a personalized message for everyone. Life advice, business advice, contact info for people in the business. If you watch her show, it was the ultimate event. She did Q&A for a bit, which was awesome because she is such a strong woman and a powerful, positive influence for young girls. 

I was very excited to say the least :D

One of those days.

I'm stealing words of wisdom I found along the web from Kelly Cutrone. They spoke straight to my heart.

- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
- Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
- When you say, 'I love you ,' mean it.
- When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
- Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
- Believe in love at first sight.
- Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
- Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
- In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
- Don't judge people by their relatives.
- Talk slowly but think quickly.
- When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
- Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
- When you lose, don't lose the lesson !
- Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
- Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship..
- When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice..
- Spend some time alone.