10 things of the week

I worry that...

10 ...I won't ever be able to control my diet or get into a healthy work out routine. 

9 ...I'll never be comfortable with my body...

8 ...I'm not doing the right thing...

7 ....I'm not a good friend.

6 ...maybe I'm not a good person. 

5 ...I drink too much...

4 ...I'll lose everyone I care about.

3 ...I'm wasting time in regret. 

2 ....maybe I'm never good enough.

1 ...I'll never find love again. 

List is self explanatory this week. I am having a bit of a quarter life crisis. I am back in LA, rehired full time at DC, yet most of my things are still in the apartment back East. What am I doing? I don't know. But I'm going to take the summer to figure it out. Life is really weird and confusing right now. I really love and miss NYC but I really don't think it's a good time for me to be there. And as far as being in a relationship, that is on hold for now too. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I am very unhappy, very conflicted... I need some time to figure me out again. Mind and body... I am in a really bad place. I just want to get into a stable and healthy place with work and myself and cuddle with my dog. Of course I miss Eric and crave his love, but I don't know if I am being fair. So we're going to do the cliche thing and revisit us in a couple months. It's scary but it's what needs to happen. 

This is my 100th blog post. Thanks for reading. I will try to be more present, and you bet your ass I'm going to just be brutally honest from here on out. And a little more fun too, I promise. 

I just want to ask one thing, how do I get motivated to eat right and work out every day? I am getting there but it's hard to get up in the morning. Seriously. Help.

New York, NY

Where do I start? Goddamn, here it goes. A year ago, I was falling for this guy who I'd been crushing on for years. It wasn't supposed to go anywhere. He was a bad boy and he resisted us... even though I knew he cared. How many times before that feeeeling had come back to bite me... I cannot tell you, I don't even want to think or admit it! 

But... this crush and that friendship and my faith proved to be good things. I love this man and this man loves me. I am happy to call him my best friend and my love. I am not scared to be with him, I believe in him, I enjoy every moment with him. I adore him. And to be honest, I don't know how I did it, but sometimes I really think he now loves me more than I love him. And I fell first! It's beautiful to have someone mirror what you're feeling, every moment. 

So here I go again. This time, I'm not alone. I didn't really consider moving to Maryland because there wasn't much for me other than this man. Circumstances changed, and in a bittersweet way, WE are ending up in New York City. I am really nervous/happy/excited/scared/sad/ecstatic. Nervous because it's so big, it's so bright, it's so massive! Happy because I can't wait to be with this man, every day, every night. Excited because it's NEW YORK CITY!!!! Land of Sex And The City... THE CITY!! It's massive and amazing and beautiful and there's sooo much at our fingertips. Scared because it's a huge step, a leap of faith, a new place, a new life... Sad because I'm going to miss my dog, my sister, my parents, my life, my car, my friends, my city... Ecstatic because... NYC!!!!!! 

When shit hit the fan, I know it was going to be do or die. I wanted to do. But I wasn't planning on do-ing anything this soon. I was thinking I'd ease into a move and leave Los Angeles by October. September is such a big month and there's so much to do! But when we went to NYC over a weekend to look at places, I had a job interview and offer so amazing I could not pass up. 

So here we are. My heart is heavy but it's happy. 

I guess my view ain't so lonely anymore, right?! 

 ;)

John Lennon: The NYC Years

As if I didn't love New York enough! Now I am dying to go. They just opened a John Lennon exhibit at the Rock & Roll Annex. I've been to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland and the Experience Music Project in Seattle and I was blown away by both. I am such a sucker for music memorbilia. 

Oh, so excited for summer and east coast road trips :)