Where does it go?

I'm just going to lay it all out there.


I've been having a really hard time lately. But work has honestly been so solidly busy since I've been back in Los Angeles that I haven't had time to slow down and be alone and think about everything. It doesn't mean I don't think about what's going on...it's just easy to occupy my time. 


A couple weeks ago, my best friend asked me if I missed being in love with one of my ex's after she was having a hard time getting through a breakup.  It made me laugh for a minute because we are friends now and have been for a while. But I do remember how long it took for us to truly break up and move past it... well over a year. 


Present day... it's hard to go day to day. After living with someone mostly everything will remind you of them. It should be easier for me because I left and I'm somewhere that doesn't necessarily just carry memories of him. Yet TV shows, songs, dishes... a lot of things. Life is a little lonely when it's not shared. I've been looking and thinking back to where we started and struggling constantly with "where did those feelings go?" I honestly don't know. 


Tonight I watched The Bachelor wrap up where Jake and Vienna were reunited post break up. I didn't get to watch it when it aired Monday but I saw everyone's status updates about it. I thought it would be harmless entertainment... but it just rang too close to home. There is nothing entertaining about watching two people who supposedly cared about each other just tear each other apart. It really hurt to watch. 


I think it's ironic that any significant time in your life you'll be able to relate it to a single song. For some reason, Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" is getting serious airplay again. I hear it every time I'm in the car. I don't know how I never really listened to it before but every lyric is appropriate in my life right now. 


Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye