Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I don't know how to say this...

...but I need to get it out.

I'm inspired by blogs by Stephanie Aurora Clark Nielson, Matt Logelin and Heather Spohr... writing through what's going on in life and sharing very honest and open pain. Their wounds are at times visible and you feel their suffering. I'm not comparing what I'm going through by any means... but we all have our cards that we are dealt. Sometimes it's our pride and faults that put us in these positions... sometimes it's entirely out of our control. But I know how it feels to try to rebuild...

I spoke to my mom about this earlier...something that's always been a concern to me. Addiction. I was always proud of how wimpy I am... I hate needles so that's never been an issue... I am terrified of melting my brain so I never took any of those party drugs... I can't snort anything so I never went that route... but there's something legal and it's everywhere... that ruins and takes lives every day.

You know we start in high school, maybe younger. What can we sneak? How much can we drink? It's "cool" to get drunk at sleepovers and parties. I still don't understand. It's so unattractive to be messy and why waste a good night by blacking out and not remembering anything? And how about those hangovers? What's so great about that?

Seven months ago, I woke up in the hospital. I didn't even recognize my own parents. What was the occasion? There was none. How did I get so drunk? I remember driving myself out to the bar... planning on taking it easy... and I woke up in the ER. How does that make sense? A few weeks later, for my birthday, just about the same happened. I know I have a problem. But it is something I can control. It does often scare the shit out of me though. And that is an awful feeling.

It's hard to admit that this is a problem. I watch Intervention. I always think to myself, "Goddamn... I make it to work, I don't smell, I shower, I dress myself..." I'm fine... which is true. But I like to party. I know when I am drinking how I crave just one more... always looking for the bartender... it makes me sick.

Over the weekend, Eric celebrated his birthday... things got a little out of control. I was the nagging girlfriend at home in California begging him to be good, please behave... and counting the minutes until 11pm (pacific time) when the bars close in the east coast at 2am. I never rest easy when I worry... this is my man. I have always had this nurturing instinct. I can't help it. I didn't hear from him pretty much all night, which is unlike him. So, I worried. Usually it's me just being annoying... but this time something happened. It's like I always know. But in these situations, you can't say "I told you so" because they already know... and it's someone you love... and you would never want to inflict more pain... you want to take the pain away. It's so frustrating because I am so in love with him. I feel like I know him better than he knows himself. I called him out so many times for being drunk and he blew it off... only to admit it the next morning. I don't like who he is drunk. But the sober him is my other half. I know that without a doubt.

So right now, we're dealing with consequences. We just had the test of a whole month apart. We're so obsessed with each other. That was so hard... we had a week and a half together and I am kicking myself for taking it for granted. We had all of these plans. Moving, buying a house... I was so ready to follow him anywhere, with his dreams of being a spy. He is so good at his job and he might lose it. I know how hard he works and I know how much he tries.

It's almost funny because I laid down an ultimatum that day... I told him I wouldn't even think of moving if he kept drinking. Now he's being forced to quit. Everything is ok, no one is hurt... I know I am being vague... I just don't know how much to say. Eric is in the military and you have to represent yourself a certain way. He was almost arrested and taken into custody and back to base. There are a lot of holes in what happened. Basically, I know that Eric needs to be sober. If that means I need to be sober, I am ready to do that. I am terrified of Eric losing his job, his security clearances and all of the dreams we had... I don't know what's going to happen. It's so hard being so far away. We're both not sleeping. Today I finally broke down and cried and cried... I feel awful because he is not a bad person. This does not define him and make him a bad person. Alcoholism is a disease. I do believe you enable it but at the same time, if you don't have a hold on it it's so out of your control. I'm trying to be supportive but I don't know what I can do over the phone. I want to be with him so badly. Everything hurts. I am absolutely miserable.

I don't know if writing all of this out helped me but now I'm going to try to sleep. Let's hope I get some rest... I need it.

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