Monday, May 25, 2009

10 minutes

I just got home from two days in Palm Springs with my family. It was pretty good, did a lot of eating and lounging at the pool. I'm sooo dark now, this is my Coachella glow I missed out on in April. 

My Memorial Day weekend kicked off on Thursday by Eric going in for restriction. I don't really know what to call it, it really seems like he is in jail. He is "serving" 45 days on base. Ironically, he is done on July 4th at midnight. What I am hoping and praying for from this is growth. I want him to do rehab. I want him to do counseling. I want him to take this as a positive experience. Obviously it's not a positive thing but I do honestly believe that positive things can come from this. 

Tomorrow is a big day. We'll find out if he gets to work through these 45 days. He will meet with a drug/rehab counselor and figure out the next step then. Tomorrow night I am going to go to an Al-anon meeting. I feel like I could really benefit from it. I am reaching out but I really feel like I'm grasping at air because no one really knows what to say to me. This is a really hard situation because these are self-made misfortunes. But I didn't ask for this, and I'm not going to walk away. 

I love Eric. I really believe in him. This is breaking my heart, this is hurting me. I'm not sleeping, or at least, not sleeping well. I'm having the weirdest dreams. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. We used to talk all day, everyday. Texting, e-mailing, calling... and now we only get 10 minutes a day. 10 minutes go so quickly. It's so hard. I think about him all day, I wonder what he's doing, how he's doing... if he's ok. He seems to be in good spirits but it's so scary. It's rough.

It's hard for me because the last week we had together was really up and down. Our first night back together we stayed up until 5am, talking and talking and just looking at each other, holding each other... but the end of the week we were just bickering every 5 minutes. It hurts to think about. I know what was going on with us now, all I want to do is be with him and support him.

It's also hard for me to watch peoples shitty relationships around me. I just have zero sympathy. I know I have a very good relationship with shitty situations. We are very honest with each other, very loving and supportive. But it's hard for me to pretend that I care when I have to listen over and over to friends dealing with cheaters, liars, crazy people. Why hold on to someone that is not holding on to you? Why put your all into something that is completely unhealthy? I'm not talking about anything (tooo) specific, I'm being very general. I'm really annoyed with a lot of shit right now. 

Maybe I need to be more sympathetic. We'll see. 

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